resistance to God

What is our resistance? What has God done to us that we should reject Him so entirely?
What has been His crime that we do not allow the all-empowering force of the universe
to help us or even gives us comfort? Each of us answers this question for ourselves,
as we examine why we avoid the use of the eagle’s wings that have been given to us,
yet struggle so hard to get the sparrow to lend us his.
Marianne Williamson, Illuminata

What is my resistance to God? Why do I not let His All-empowering force to help me or comfort me? Why do I reject Him and His Love for me? Why, why, why?

As Ms Williamson has said, each person must answer these questions for themselves. In my early spiritual life I came to reject God outright because He didn’t move the world for me the way the preachers had promised. Instead of relying on learning about Him through my own experiences, I listened to the words of learned men and women who said ‘God is this’ and ‘God is that’ and ‘God will do this if you only do that’ – not knowing I was being sold a bill of goods that didn’t exist. I was naïve in my beliefs and young in my faith but God showed me great Mercy and Love, even when I told Him how much I hated Him.

In time, and in my own experience with God I learned that man has put God in a confining box and not only expects, but demands God to act in a specific way; to do and to have done acts in ways only we can accept and understand. I came to understand that God is not finite. He is not able to fit inside of a box let alone work inside it. But that took time and experience for me to learn.

As I have grown spiritually through the years I am coming to the realization that I have only begun to tap the surface of God’s Majesty. And yet I still resist Him. I no long reject Him entirely, but I do reject Him in pieces; with things I know in my heart of hearts I need to do but refuse to do them. The things God has spoken to my heart to do that I want to do – no problem, easy peasy.

Oh, but the things I don’t want to do – like let go of grudges and past hurts and anger and to forgive those who have wronged me or hurt me or damaged me. And not just lip-service forgiveness, but true, into the very fiber of my being and the nucleus of the atom of every cell, forgive my enemies. That is not easy-peasy. That is not something I want to do but I know I must. Because God has forgiven me all of my myriad of mistakes and errors and grievous ways – because He has shown me Unconditional Love, so too, must I love unconditionally.

In refusing to do what God would have me do, I am rejecting his All-Empowering Help and Strength. I am rejecting His Love and His Comfort for me.

Even after all these years, I still reject Him.

And yet, He Loves me still.

That is something I will never understand.

And will probably always have difficulty accepting.



Jewish Cemetary Angel by The Art if Saddness


Must be Perfect

The Lord is the Lord of all universes. This means that within every realm—material, spiritual, psychological, emotional—the same principles of creativity and materialization apply.
The ways of the Lord are the processes of energy by which life moves forward.
That energy is not without but within, activated as much by feeling as by thought.
We move into this power through silence and communion.
In the presence of God, we learn from Him His ways.
Marianne Williamson, Illuminata

Too often my prayers are quick speeches before the Throne in the morning or anywhere else at any other time. Too often I don’t take the time to listen. Maybe it is because there is so much I need to do in the morning between getting up and leaving for work. Well, that’s not quite right – I do have time to listen in the morning, I just don’t take the time.

If I get up on time I have 1-1/2 hours before I leave for work. After getting up, taking the dog outside, feeding everybody (4 cats, 1 dog), cleaning litter boxes and making coffee (if I have it in the house), I still usually have an hour before I have to leave. Factor in at least ½ an hour to get ready and that leaves me with a scant ½ hour to pray and listen. And that is if everything runs according to schedule. Throw in a pile of cat vomit or dog accident on the carpet or the clean clothes I forgot to dry and the lunch I didn’t make the night before and my prayer time is shot to … well, you know where.

Maybe I don’t have time. Maybe praying and listening shouldn’t be done on a time-table. Maybe I should stop beating myself up for not doing more in the morning. Maybe I should stop feeling guilty about it.

Yes, I could get up earlier. But I already get up at 3:15 a.m. and have to leave my house by 4.45 a.m. (I thank God every day I work so close to home). If I got up any earlier I would have to be in bed by 7.30 the night before; I already push the envelope by going to bed between 8.30 and 9, and some nights even 10.

Maybe I could give myself the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I should see me as God sees me, a loving child who wants to do better but doesn’t and feels like a failure when she doesn’t achieve perfection.

Must be Perfect. All of the time. In every way possible. Especially in prayer. Must be Perfect in prayers. Because if I’m not, God will not answer my prayers, He will not hear me, and hold back His Love from me. Must be Perfect.

Am I kidding? Do I really say that to myself? Yes, I do, at least in my subconscious self. That tape of God not loving me or blessing me or being with me because I don’t pray right runs over and over and over inside my soul. Maybe it is time to not only cut the tape off but to destroy it.

Maybe instead of pressuring myself to do it all before I leave for work, I could cut myself some slack. I could still do the whole routine, including the praying part, but accept the fact that putting a timer on the whole listening-to-God thing doesn’t work – at least for me.

When I get home in the afternoon – that is the time to stop, pray and listen. After greeting my furchildren, taking the dog out (and the cat if it is warm) instead of coming in, sitting down and turning on the TV to veg and/or the computer on for games, that is the time to pray and listen. My afternoon time is largely an open canvas. And I mostly waste it.

What a revelation! Yes, I still need to pray in the morning – it is essential to go into my day with God on my mind. But the afternoon…. I really need to rethink my afternoons. The quiet time after work is the time for me to listen and not do so much of the talking.


Hearing the Voice of God in Quietness

was there a before before?

Was there a before before?

If life has no beginning
And no end,
No before and no after,
How can it be centered in the present?

Were birth before and death after,
I would be immortal with no history
Were death first and birth later
The dead would be unborn.

I cannot be born and die at once:
If birth were death
They would both be unoriginated.

Why am I transfixed by them?
-Nagarjuna, 2nd century Buddhist monk

These words may be centuries old but anyone today could have written them. Thoughts worth pondering keeping in mind that the answer is probably not forthcoming any time soon. But I’m pondering them all the same.