The Lord is not obtuse. He does not try to be difficult.
The problem may lie with us, with our earthbound inability
to see trouble from the viewpoint of eternity as God sees it.
Eugenia Price, No Pat Answers

So I have been fighting this internal battle of wills over the last few months and over the last couple of weeks the fighting has become more intense. There are some things I need to change in my life that need to be changed and God has called me to make those changes months ago but I have been stubbornly hanging on to them because of the physical me doesn’t want – refuses – to give in to the spiritual me. And up until this day the physical side was winning the battle.

What has made the difference – maybe the difference in which me wins this particular battle – is something that occurred to me as I was reading my morning devotional – that I have been focusing on the negatives of what these changes would be. 

That’s it – that’s all I got for now. But it is a start. I grow weary of this battle. It has been a long one and I have lately been praying for some relief. I have prayed that God would speak to me through someone or something  – that I might gain insight into how to end this particular battle (the battle between the physical and spiritual me is eternal and never ending until I go Home).

There are different ways to handle this – I could make a positive/negative list. But I am not good at lists; for me they are tedious and boring (for my mom they work wonders). Probably the thing for me is to do what I do best – and that is to ponder. Mull things over. Think on things for a while. And while doing that make a conscious effort to keep those negatives away.

So while I am thinking about taking a step forward in faith and when a negative excuse or reason comes up, I need to consciously make an effort to replace that negative thought/reason/excuse with a positive thought/reason/excuse. It may be hard to come up with something positive in the beginning, so I may have to repeat the same things over and over again until I get the hang of it and actually win this battle.

When I was in therapy eons ago I had a similar battle – this was one where I was holding on to my hurt and pain like a badge of honor and it was effecting every part of my life (and I mean every part). My therapist (God bless her wherever she is – she saved my life) continually and gently encouraged me to release the anger and with it the emotional depression that accompanied it. I struggled with this for a very long time and it came down to this: who would I be without my hurt, pain and anger? If I gave it up would I still be able to create art? Would I still be able to write? Who would I be?

Eventually she convinced me to convince myself that I would be okay if I gave the pain up. And I did – I don’t remember actually how – but I do remember the first days after releasing that anger and pain – my head felt lighter. I literally felt as if a heavy weight had been removed from my heart. For the first time in my adult life I felt alive.

And guess what? It did change me. I stopped writing and creating art. I stopped creating angry and painful art. I stopped writing about death and destruction. The empty space I felt in my brain was replaced with life and beauty and peace. I started writing and creating art filled with life and hope and promise.

Of course my life isn’t always sunshine and flowers. In fact, it is mostly cloudy, rainy days. But that’s okay. Because underneath the clinical/chemical depression I suffer from and the aftermath of pain and hurt I deal with on a continual basis is a foundation of faith and hope and love. I didn’t have that before I let go of the anger and hurt and pain. And I need to remind myself of that often – that I have let go of the anger and pain – and stop carrying it around with me like an old purse I hate to get rid of.

Back to the battle – I’ll see how this new insight goes…


“David and Goliath” by John August Swanson


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