Love is what we were born with.
Fear is what we learned here.
– Marianne Williamson
Before we were born and when we were in the presence of God we knew only Love. It is when our spirit was placed in a human body that we began to know fear. Perhaps our first fear was that we were suddenly out of God’s all-enveloping Presence and for the first time in our spirit-existence we knew aloneness.
And so we began the great journey of our lives – finding our way back to the Presence and knowing Him in a way we would never have had if we’d stayed within His Spirit. For some of us the journey will be littered with tragedy and trials; these terrible things can sway us even further away from the God we knew and loved so well Before. Or we can allow ourselves to be driven closer to God, knowing Him in a different way.
In knowing God through tragedy, I learn of Him differently than I would in joy. Through difficulty I learn that God is enough. My heart may be breaking, but God holds the pieces together. My mind may be split in two or whirling around in madness, but God can hold those pieces together as well.
It is in these times I can choose to confront my fears or I can run from them. I can choose to stare down the fear that has been with me from conception. That old fear of aloneness and isolation. It stays dormant most of the time but in tragic times it roars to the front of my subconscious, worming its way into my faith, my thoughts, my emotions until, suddenly, I believe I am alone in this world and no one knows what I am going through.
When I am overwhelmed with the fear of aloneness it is imperative I go back to God’s Promise that He will never leave me or forsake me and even though I do feel alone I am not.
My greatest fear is aloneness. Not being alone, or without human or furry company. That I am just fine with. But being without God. Being alone spiritually. That is what hell is to me. Life without God is just existence. Life without God is death.
When my heart and head and emotions all tell me God has abandoned me, I latch on to His Promise and refuse to let go. If all I have is a Promise I don’t currently believe in, then I will hold on to that until the tsunami of doubt does its destructive work and I am left with nothing but a micron of faith. Or, in biblical terms, a mustard-seed of faith is all I will have and it is all I will need to recover and rest in His Arms once again.