“These were supposed to be the happiest days of my life, and I was too tired, dazed, lost to receive them. What had been starved on the inside to produce this exhaustion?

“I had a growing sense that the problem was me. It wasn’t that God was the hard driver. It was that I was driving myself and calling it God. There was a disconnect between who He really is and who I’d made Him out to be, and all the activity kept me from acknowledging that disconnect.”   ~~Sara Hagerty

 046

 Everyday has the potential of being the happiest day of my life. Then why, like Ms Hagerty says, am I too tired, dazed and lost to receive the happiness of each day. Where is my joy? Where did I lay it down, if I ever even had it at all? Where is the feeling of love for God? Faith I have, feelings I have, too. But feelings of doubt and worry and fear and anger. Not a joyous note among it all.

In my black and white world I tend to lean toward faith good, feelings bad. But why can’t it be a combination of both? After all God did bestow feelings on His creations; so why do I discount mine? My earthly father had no regard for my feelings and here I am 55+ years of age and still struggling with the imprinting of a uncaring, unfeeling male parental unit. At this point I have to interject here – Parents! Be careful what you teach your children – they will live with those lessons the rest of their lives!

So, in this black and white, faith or feelings, yes or no, world of mine, is there room for grey? For faith and feelings? For maybe?

I’ve haven’t been enthusiastic about anything since maybe I was a child. I’ve always remained neutral (even if on the outside I acted like I was passionate about something). I remain calm, reasonable, middle of the road about everything from politics, to crafts, to celebrity, to everything. For me that is normal even if I’ve occasionally wondered if something was wrong with me. Why can’t I get excited about anything? A sports team? A political candidate? An author? An artistic pursuit?  God? Now I am beginning to suspect it is because I threw the proverbial baby out with the bath water – meaning – when I learned faith good, feelings bad, I tamped down all my feelings under layers and layers of garbage and except for the occasional outburst – there is nothing. If you don’t feel, you don’t get hurt.

And bringing these thoughts full circle, each day has potential for joy and happiness in it – but only if I would be willing to feel it.

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