Last week was a tough one for me – emotionally, at least. And, to pour salt on my wounds, there is something going on underneath – something deep in my soul that is stirring that is causing me anxiety and I have no clue what it is. I only know something is there; it will surface sooner or later, forcing me to deal with whatever it is.
Earlier in the week I had issues with my neighbors – a stupid thing really, something not worth even noting, but it really angered me. I share a duplex and a driveway. Normally I don’t mind if the neighbors park one of their three cars on the street in front of my house but on Tuesday night I have to put the trash cans out on the street for Wednesday morning. The last two weeks they have parked one of their cars where I can’t put the trash cans out on the street. Last week I blocked their car in with my cans and when I came home Wednesday afternoon the empty cans were by the house. Then this week, it happened again. Their car was in front of my house and the only place for the cans to go was behind their car in front of my mailbox and almost in front of the driveway. It p-o’d me big time. They have the same trash day as I do and they had plenty of room in the driveway for that third car. I texted them and asked if they would kindly move their car so I could put the cans out without blocking the mailbox. I waited an hour or so and they never texted me back or moved the car. So, I put the cans out blocking their car in and my mailbox. It made me mad. And, even though the trash was emptied, three days later, I’m still mad about it. Stupid, right? It’s cr*p like this that starts wars.
I’ve prayed about it, asking for forgiveness for overreacting to this relatively minor issue; and I’ve prayed for my neighbors, asking God to bless them. So why am I still so angry about this?
Then, on Wednesday evening, I was expecting God to provide a blessing for me in a very specific way and, while the blessing came through, it came not in the way I expected/wanted it to so I got angry at God over it. Stupid. Again. Angry over a relatively minor issue but angry anyway.
Maybe that’s what’s stirring underneath. Anger. I’ve dealt with my anger in therapy in the past. Maybe I’ve struck a new level of rage and now need to deal with that.
I don’t know much but I do know that God loves me even when I don’t feel that love and when I’m angry at Him. I’ve always felt He is big enough that He can handle my anger because He sees the root of it and the heart of me and understands. My relationship with God has always been a hit and miss sort of thing – an “I love/hate you” relationship, with love winning out most of the time.
God is gracious, merciful, loving, supportive and healing. Regardless of my state of mind or heart or body, He is the same, yesterday, today and forever. That is the only sure thing I can depend on.