Sometimes internal forces and external distractions make for crazy-making feelings—
Sometimes I don’t even know which internal forces are at work—

Until I’m long past the crazy-making phase—
Smack-dab in the middle of the most-definitely-crazy phase—
Which by this time usually means I’ve eaten myself into oblivion—
Smoked way too many cigarettes—
And fussed at the poor creatures who share my abode—

Then when I finally put head to pillow—
The external annoyances become worse instead of better—
And the internal voices start screaming, “pay attention to me!”—

And when I finally listen
I can’t sleep
I can’t rest
I can’t stop the thoughts—

Even with a middle of the night shower to cleanse my head—
The internal forces won’t leave me alone—

They won’t leave me until I acknowledge them
And feel the pain
And feel the sorrow
And accept I can do nothing about what’s going on—
It’s out of my control—

And I’m forced with this decision—
To not forgive and continue to carry the burden of pain and anger, sorrow and disappointment—
To forgive – myself included – and give it all to God—
Which means letting go of the pain and worry—
And most of all
Hardest of all
The most terrifying of all—

The Outcome.

What happens will happen in accordance with God’s will—
Without any interaction
Any opinion
Any thought
And that’s scary for me-to let go so thoroughly—

Let me truly say, “Thy will be done.”
Forgive me as I forgive those who have caused much pain, even if they are unaware of that pain.
Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.
Forgive me as I learn this most difficult lesson.

Let me find You in the craziness
When the internal forces are roaring louder than any other thought
When the music of Your Love can’t be heard
When the Peace of Your embrace can’t be felt

Please dear God
Reach through the crazy-making distractions of my life
And make Your Presence Known in a way as only You can

So I will know that in spite of my feeling crazy—
Feeling like I’ve gone off the deep end—
Feeling bereft of any Light or Life Source—

Let me know
You are there—
I turn around and there You are—
I open my eyes and there You are—
I unstop my ears and there You are—
And there You Are—
And always will be—


2 thoughts on “Crazy-making days

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