Artists have great strengths – and extremely complicated weaknesses.
It’s part of how God created them.
They feel things deeply and therefore can craft moments that tap into
what others feel but can’t seem to express.
Yet this very strength – feeling things deeply –
can drive artists to self-doubt, perfectionism, and fear of failure.
Nancy Beach, An Hour on Sundays
God, in His Infinite Wisdom created all types of people – ones who feel deeply and ones who don’t. Ones who hold on to grudges and pain and ones who let things go. There is a balance in life and perhaps one of our tasks while on this earth is to live within the balance rather than in one of the extremes.
I have a curious mix of both. I hold on to past grudges like a child holds on to candy. But, like my male parental unit, I drop people, careers and things out of my life without a second thought – when it is time to be done, it’s done.
Why is it I am able to dump the exterior stuff out of my life so completely and yet hold on to the interior grievances so well? Is there a connection? I have a sneaking suspicion there is. Maybe one of the reasons is I don’t want to experience any more pain so I make vain attempts to bury grudges while jettisoning the outward pain-possibilities before they become too painful. Does that even make sense?
The connecting factor between these too opposites is not quite clear, in fact, not clear at all. It is something that will need to be mulled over, masticated if you will, and in time I will understand.
What would happen if I did the opposite – eject the grudges and held on to people (maybe not careers or things) like precious gems? Would I die of pain? Would I be free from pain? Maybe my life would be so good that I would die from joy! Maybe it is the possibility that scares me – the unknown of the matter. What would I do with all the empty space in my soul that once held grudges. Since ‘nature abhors a vacuum’, what would take the place of the pain? Certainly not joy, could it?
What if I made a list of all the grudges locked up inside and systematically forgave and forgot? Is that even possible? Is the solution so simple? Well, the act might be simple to write but probably difficult to actually do. But how do I know that? Maybe it is not as difficult as I think. I think it must be because I like to make things hard on me. I am a difficult taskmaster, one not easily satisfied.
But it may be worth a try. What do I have to lose but some pain?