We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned,
So as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
When I was younger – pre-teen – I had my life planned out. I was going to marry an Osmond brother, move to Utah, convert to Mormonism and have a ton of kids. As I grew up, my life plan pretty much stayed the same, except for the Osmond-Utah-Mormon part of it. I was going to marry and have a ton of kids. My life didn’t turn out as I planned.
Turns out that I have never married and the only kids I have ever had are the 4-legged kind (but no baby goats). I resented God for a long time because He didn’t provide a husband for me. I also resented Him for giving me polycystic ovaries so the likelihood of conception in any case was nominal.
Turns out I was wrong about resenting God. God is not the author of my pain. He didn’t keep me from being married because He wanted me to learn a lesson. He didn’t keep me from having children because He wanted to make me suffer. I have learned that God provided His Creation with the freewill to think and do as we see fit. He never promised me a life of bliss. He never promised me all my dreams would come true. He never promised me a life free of pain. What God did promise me is that He would never abandon me, never stop loving me, and use what was meant for bad toward me and turn it to good.
Turns out that the fault lies with me for never having married. It took me along time – a very long time – to come to terms with that knowledge. My painful experience with a non-loving father shaped my view of men and of relationships that I have not been able to and will likely never be able to unwarp. My own fears and my unwillingness to heal and let them go has left me a spinster. But I am no longer bitter about it. I have learned I am just as valuable a person without a partner as I would be with one and that I must be in charge of my own validation.
Turns out that this is the body my spirit has been given while dwelling on this earth. I have learned to be okay with it most of the time. I still don’t like my hair and other parts, but overall I am fine with it. And, after all, it is but a temporary dwelling.
Turns out, at 55, I feel blessed to have never married or had children. There is both good and bad with having those things and I would be lying if I didn’t occasionally get a little wistful at the thought of never having had a mate or children – but mostly when I am being particularly selfish.
Turns out that I really only wanted a mate to rescue me from reality like helping me pay my bills or fixing something that needs fixing or making decisions for me I can’t seem to make. Perhaps it is the little girl inside of me that wants those things because the adult me would never willingly relinquish that much control over my life.
Turns out that I really only wanted children because I would have someone to look after me in my old age. Like anybody else, I don’t want to die alone. Perhaps that is the crone in me whining about her future. I need to remind her of God’s Promise to me.
Turns out the life I have been given is pretty good even with all of its worrisome junk. It isn’t the life I planned but it is the life I have.
Turns out that I am grateful for the life I lead and for the Grace and Strength of God to muddle my way through it.