In small and petty arguments it isn’t about who is right or wrong but who can be the bigger person.
What is this incessant need for some people to be right all the time? Are we so insecure within ourselves that we have to constantly prove ourselves to others by being right? That is the case with me. I don’t always outwardly project my ‘rightness’ on others, but I do feel I have to be right most of the time. And I believe it to be that way because I am insecure in who I am. Deep down inside I am still afraid that if people saw who and what I truly was or am they would not like me.
It is too bad I still carry around with me that old suitcase of self-doubt. I’ve tried to put it down and abandon it innumerous times but it always seems to find me – sort of like a boomerang. What will it take for me to finally rid myself of old self-doubts? Abandoning doesn’t seem to do it; ignoring it defiantly doesn’t do it – it only makes them stronger. Maybe the only way to rid myself of those troublesome doubts is to address each one individually and prove them wrong.
One major self doubt I carry is that I am not smart or intelligent. This, of course, comes from my father telling me I wasn’t smart or intelligent or bright or would never be able to measure up to his ‘brilliance’. He may not have said those things to me personally, although I am quite sure he did; but he certainly showed me on many occasions. Or maybe it is what I perceived from his never praising me for getting good grades or thinking something through or figuring something out. He prided himself in his ‘smartness’ and ‘intelligence’. He always thought he was so smart that he was smarter than anyone else – ever. If I had gone into one of his chosen professions I may have earned his approval – emphasis on may have. It is unlikely that no matter what I did or do or accomplish I would never nor will ever receive his approval. And that I have to let go.
Smartness, intelligence and brilliance comes in all forms. My maternal grandmother never went to college, never even graduated school (she got married instead) but she was one of the smartest people I knew. She could converse on any subject, was an avid reader, was an “Iron Chef” in the kitchen and could create anything – she even drew her own patterns for my mom’s wedding dress. As I said she was smart.
Going to school or college doesn’t make a person smart or intelligent or bright. It only amplifies what is already within us – if we allow it to. As creations of the most intelligent Being in the Universe we are all smart. We are all intelligent. We are all brilliant. We have to be – God created us in His Image. Within us – within me – is the intelligence of the Universe. And as there are innumerable facets of God, so are the variations of intelligence. Only He is able to hold all within Himself. His children, on the other hand, are able to hold only one or two, maybe a few more, types of intelligence within our human brains. But we all have it – smartness, brilliance and intelligence.
Sometimes I hear other people say, “I’m not smart enough” or “I’m not creative (enough)” – I have even said those exact words myself. But now I am coming to believe that to say those things is kind of like slapping God in the face. I must come to the realization that I am smart and I am creative and it doesn’t matter what anyone else or even myself thinks of those statements – God created me to be who I am and He gave me intelligence, as He gives it to all His children. God gives freely, it is up to me to take it and use it.