you are never so far gone

You’re never too broken that you can’t be fixed,
but you can’t be fixed unless you’re ready to be repaired.
– Abhishek Tiwari

God can accomplish miracles – yes, even this age of scientific and widespread skepticism – God can and does work miracles. Perhaps we don’t see them because we don’t want to see them. Or perhaps we don’t see them because we don’t need to be shown outright because our brains, having been so evolved, wouldn’t believe it anyway and we would come up with a scientific and reasonable explanation. In times past perhaps the human brain wasn’t as advanced as ours is today and those folks needed to see before they would believe.

Now, in this day and age, we have thousands of years of history to prove God’s Existence through miracles – if we would only have faith. When skeptics say ‘prove it’, I say I can’t. It is a matter of faith. And if you have no faith then pray for faith. A bit of a conundrum.

Anyway, for those who believe in a Higher Being (and even those who don’t), you are never so far gone, so deep in the gutter, so lost in the woods that you are lost forever. If you want to be found, you will be. If you want to have a miracle of God in your life then you will have one. You must be willing to receive, you must want to receive and you must believe you will receive. And the biggest caveat of all, you must be willing to accept the form in which God chooses to work that miracle for you.

If, in your heart of hearts, you hate someone of another color, then God may use a person of that color to reach out to you. If, in your heart of hearts you hate a person of a different sexuality, creed, religion, or whatever, then God may use what you hate to reach out to you with Love. And, if in your hate you refuse to see God in that person, you will miss your miracle.

If you want to be healed, you will be – maybe just not in the way you want or by the method you choose. Are you willing to accept that possibility?

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healing the ugly

Healing takes courage,
and we all have courage,
even if we have to dig a little to find it.
– Tori Ames

Part of the healing process is looking at yourself – at myself. And for some, including me, it can be a frightening prospect to say the least. We all have secret things we don’t like about ourselves – I’m not speaking of physical things – that’s another whole topic – essay – in and of itself. But things about our personalities or thought patterns or viewpoints that are less than palatable for public consumption.

For instance, I wrote a month or so ago about having high expectations and low patience – that spells disaster for someone who works with the public on a daily basis. When you work the job I do – customer service – sometimes I think it would be better have very low expectations – if any at all – with the general public and a whole lot of patience. But that could lead to things incredibly insidious like bigotry, racism and hatred if I don’t temper my expectations and patience with a love of God and all of His Creation – including people.

To look at the part of myself that is ugly, non-spiritual and just plain yucky is a scary process and does take courage. It also takes trust that the God I love won’t abandon me just because I am ugly on the inside. And trust takes faith. So I trust in my God and I have faith in my God that even if I look within, to shine His Light on the ugly in me, He will accept me as I am and show me how to accept myself – ugly and all.

Second only to communion with God is a desire to be healed. To be healed from my lifetime collection of wounds and scars is the goal I have set for myself – a goal not easily attained. But I will get there. And when I arrive, oh, what joy it will be to stand before the Throne of God and say, here am I oh, wonderful Lord, I am ready to be welcomed into your arms.

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holding onto anger

“Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside.
We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us.
But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”
Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

There is deep within me a rage that occasionally slips to the surface when I am at my most vulnerable. Why would I not want to pull it out of my own accord, deal with it and set things to right? Why do I choose to ignore my anger?

Maybe I am afraid of it. I learned as a very young child that anger is a very scary and destructive thing. I shy away from people who are angry. I freeze when someone is angry right in front of me. I have to force myself to react. When I first started my job and strangers would scream bloody murder over the phone at me – the first time it happened – I just sat there and took it, speechless, breathless and then I went home and wept. Some days I would cry in the restroom because the people were so horrible, the calls, brutal. But now, 4 years later, 99% of the screaming meanies don’t affect me. But there is still that 1% that really digs in there and pushes THAT button and it is all I can do to contain the rage.

THAT button will probably always be there. But the rage doesn’t have to be. The only person the rage harms is me. Maybe that is the source of my migraines, anxiety, depression, arthritis, obesity, plus a whole host of other annoying issues.

I am afraid of the rage. I am afraid of what it does to me when it leaks (spews) out. I am afraid of what it does to me when it percolates inside me. I am afraid it will turn or already has turned to hatred. I am afraid of letting it go because if I don’t have my rage, then who am I?

I am a child of God. A God Who is Enough to hold my pain for me, to ease it from me, to heal me.
I need only let go of the rage.

Help me, o God, to let go of that which keeps me bound to the past with barbed wire chains. Help me to let go of that which I think gives me power and strength when in both physical and spiritual reality it brings me nothing but pain and madness. Help me, o God.

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