And so I cradled my midnight questions while mamas cradled their babies, and I let God’s psalms tell me He cradled the answer in Himself. I felt forgotten, but I heard God speak that He had not left me. I felt weak, but I heard Him promise an overshadowing. I felt anxious that my constant fumblings would annoy Him, but I heard Him say He delighted in me. (Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sara Hagerty)
I enjoy reading inspirational books. I need to read these books. Very often the books I am drawn to reflect my life thoughts and experiences, if not exactly then pretty darn close. And in reading inspirational books I find myself comparing myself to the author. And, as Sara Hagerty said in Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, “Comparison plagued my soul.”
Now I cognitively know that each person is unique as is their journey with God and God is able and willing to morph Himself into whatever a person needs at any particular moment. But that knowledge doesn’t stop me from comparing myself to another’s life changing journeys with God and to find myself wanting. And a little envious. And even a little angry. Who are they that should know God better than I? Or is it, who is God that He should reveal Himself to them in such a way that they are at one with Him while I sit here in my own misery , stewing and fretting about my God and my life in God? Maybe I am too wrapped up in my own bitterness to know the difference.
At this juncture I always, always, always remind myself that this is what I feel – not what I know and believe to be true. My life is based on faith, but my faith is often overwhelmed by my feelings. It is my feelings that get in the way of trusting God.
It is easy to trust God in the good times; but oh, so much harder in the doubtful times. I go looking for huge miracles but what I get are subtle mysteries and I am not satisfied.
I know, I’m a mess. A question mark with no answer in sight.
Who am I, and what am I? what evil has not been either my deeds, or if not my deeds, my words, or if not my words, my will? But You, O Lord, are good and merciful, and Your right had had respect unto the depth of my death, and from the bottom of my heart emptied that abyss of corruption. And this Your whole gift was, to negate what I willed, and to will what You willed. ~~ St. Augustine
I’ve been busy with my other blogs these last few days and have neglected my spiritual side. So on this bright, yet freezing, spring morning, I am reminded that despite my negligence to God, He is never negligent toward me. And while I don’t necessarily put thoughts to blog posts each day,it doesn’t mean those thoughts of God aren’t there.
My sister related a story to me about a gentleman she encountered recently who was so angry, so bitter with the way his life turned out, that it really made her take a step back. We discussed how each person has a choice – a choice to let your own life destroy you and poison your soul with bitterness and hatred, or to make a conscious decision to consider life’s blessings.
So, today, if you are angry or frustrated or bitter over someone or something or some event, don’t let it rule you. Make a choice – a choice for inner peace, a choice for God, a choice for Beauty – even if its only for a moment or two.