I’m reading Tears to Triumph by my favorite spiritual author, Marianne Williamson. If you’ve not read her before and you want more than just spiritual platitudes, her books are worth exploring. She writes of a closeness to God that goes beyond what most authors I’ve read and some of the stuff she writes is beyond me – at least for now.
In this book, Ms Williamson focuses on depression and the accompanying drugs that physicians prescribe versus spiritual healing. I have been on Zoloft for at least 25 years – from minimal doses to higher ones (usually it’s me upping my own dose) – and now I am beginning to reconsider. Oh, I’m not going off it cold turkey – that would be stupid – my brain is used to it and if I ultimately chose to go off, I would do so with my doctor’s assistance.
The reason I’m reconsidering is my own desperation to stay on it. When I’m on Zoloft I am in a consistently better mood, I sleep better, my emotions are more stable and life is better. I still have sad and frustrating days but they are short-lived and I move on. When I’ve forgotten to get the prescription filled (how can I forget to get a refill for a med I’ve been taking for 25+ years? I don’t know but I do!) the changes are immediate for me. Okay, maybe some changes are psychosomatic, but they are nonetheless very real and scary.
The first symptom for me is tears – I cry at anything – ads on TV, what people say to me, and so forth. Then comes the rage – it surfaces like a long asleep dragon being woke from a slumber of a thousand years. After that come the dreams – intense, vivid and remembered well after I wake up. All that emotion is scary and I don’t like to feel it.
At first glance, it seems like I need some serious therapy. But I have had therapy – over 12 years of it in my 20s, 30s and 40s. I don’t want any more therapy. What I want – and need – is spiritual healing.
God is ready, willing and able to heal the wounds inside me – inside spiritual me – wounds that only He can heal. Man has done his job – therapy worked well for me and I would never discount the use of antidepressants.
But, I believe for my continued spiritual growth, I need to rethink this whole Pablum-thing for what are spiritual wounds, not psychological ones.